A Missing Part of Me
It was a gloomy day of March 3rd 2006 when I first boarded a plane by myself to meet my mom for the first time, leaving behind a loving father, step mom, and my 2 year old baby brother.
As I was walking to board the plane I looked back at my family and I saw my dad’s cheeks flushed as he was trying to hold his tears back. I didn’t know how to feel. I was filled with emotions of guilt yet excitement at the same time.
I boarded the plane and the second I sat down my heart felt heavy and felt the instant lump on my throat. I must have looked so anxious that the woman sitting next to me asked me if it was my first time on a plane, I said, “yes but I’m also meeting my mom for the first time”.
The 5 hour flight from San Salvador to LAX felt like a breeze but the walk from the exit to the side where families are waiting for their loved ones felt like everyone surrounding me was going 100 miles per hour and I was moving in slow motion.
I saw a group of people who were looking directly at me, they had a white cardboard paper written out in black sharpie letters was my name, “Graciela”. There were two women so I was a little confused, I had only seen my mom through fotos. But I could tell by her high cheekbones and shaky hands who my mom was. My mom opened her arms reaching for a hug and the hairs on my hands stood up as I felt chills all over, when we hugged everything seemed right. Like the missing part of me was finally found.
While living through this never in a million years I believed that there would be a negative physiological and emotional impact in my life but having no emotional connection to my mom seems normal to me even now. I believe it has everything to do with the separation and her journey crossing the border.
When I was trying to talk to her about her story she got very defensive and put up this wall but I can only suspect what happened. She talks about the violence she experienced as a woman is something no one should have to live though but doesn’t say much after that. And how fortunate I am to have had my step dad legally adopted me which allowed me to come to the U.S. through the permanent residency card.
In a discussion paper Parent Migration and Education Outcomes of Children Left Behind in El Salvador from Marcela G. Rubio goes in depth of parent migration and the negative effects of children being left behind in El Salvador.
A cross-country study finds that in El Salvador, 1 in 6 children have a migrant parent.
The study also mentions that when children are left behind from one or both parents in Mexico or El Salvador are “easy prey for exploitation, recruitment into criminal activity such as gangs and cartels because their parents were not present to provide guidance, education, and protection.”
My biological dad had his own way of “protecting” me, because my mom would send money for me to attend a private school, in my dad’s eyes I had to get excellent grades. However his expectations started to become so unrealistic. He was loving while I was growing up but he became violent and verbally abusive, some wounds still in heart that have not yet healed. I resented my mom so much for leaving me behind. I couldn’t understand why she did everything she did.
My mom and my step dad married in 2004 and soon after began the immigration process to get me to this country legally and safely. I am eternally grateful for my step dad to welcome me into his family because I never felt genuine love from my blood related family. Till this day I have a working relationship with my mom but every sacrifice she’s done does not go unnoticed in my eyes.
